There’s an understood “the” in front, but that was too obvious so you’ll just have to take my word for it. It cramped my style. I don’t need a “the.” (Nevermind the fact that WordPress made me use it in my url.)
Fearless Creative. Two little words that mean so much. Who I am. Or more accurately, who I was and who I will be.
I’m taking a risk here. Comes with the territory. Fearless.
I’m writing…..err….blogging. Creative.
Because somewhere along the line I stopped being “the” fearless creative, and became the fearful wallflower. That hasn’t taken so well…and I’m finally ready to do something about it.
Truthfully? I’m faking. I’m not confident I can do it, that I can get back to “me.” And that terrifies me. So I’m doing the exact opposite of what I’d really like to do (which is bake myself a cake and ignore the world), and reaching out…and asking for help.
Yeah, I know. Writing a blog and posting my personal life for all the world to read isn’t exactly the smartest move I’ve ever made. But I like to write, and I’m good at it (I think so, anyway), and even if no one ever reads this it’ll make me feel better to know I’ve tried. That said, please read this…..*puppy eyes*
In all seriousness, I’ve spent the better part of the last few years wishing things were different. Wishing I felt like myself, wishing I was happy with my life and who I am. Don’t get me wrong. I’ve got a LOT of good in my life. This is not some pity party where I complain all the time and make excuses and generally hate everything. Been there, done that, and have every t-shirt THANK YOU.
Nope, this is about finding those things I’m not happy with and changing them. And most of those things are things I’ve done – or not done – that have taken me far from who I’m meant to be. Who deep down I know I am.
I’ve been a mediocre friend, and a less than stellar girlfriend. I’ve ignored family. I’ve let relationships go because it took effort to sustain them. I’ve let pride and anger color my judgement. I’ve placed blame where it didn’t belong, and forgiven when I should have fought. To those of you who’ve been on the receiving end…I’m sorry.
I’ve also given a lot when I maybe shouldn’t have. I’ve taken on problems that aren’t mine. And yes, I’ve held on to the past. That hasn’t always been a bad thing.
I lost my focus and stopped believing in the little things. I let music go, stopped writing, stopped taking pictures. Stopped seing the beauty in the world around me. Stopped cherishing creativity. And I’ve suffered because of it, felt empty inside, like a piece of my soul has been taken away. Because it has.
Physically, I gave up and gave in. Gave up on my body, gave in to my mind and the words I use to tear myself down. Because I do – still – tear myself down. I’m not ashamed to admit that, but I am ashamed I’ve let it go on so long.
So I’m writing. And I’m putting it all out there. Call it a project, call it a cry for attention, call it stupid and melodramatic and annoying. Or call it wise and encouraging and fearless. Call it all of that, and on some level you’d be right.
I’m reaching out. Old friends, current friends, new friends – I want to do a better job. I want to reconnect with those of you I didn’t hold on to. I want to strengthen the bonds with those of you still by my side. I want to get to know the rest of you.
I want to laugh and hope and dream again. I want to live a life full of love and adventure and passion. I want to make stuff, take pictures, sing and dance and just be silly.
It’s a journey that’s long overdue, but that I’m finally ready to take. And write about. I hope you’ll join me.
So there you have it.